I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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