A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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