my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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