i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
