She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize