I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
