Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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