Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I lost the right to judge tonight
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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