Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
