Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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