I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
