I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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