The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
