I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
