Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
