it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
