Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
