he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
