I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
