I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
