From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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