My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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