if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
