I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
