Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
