i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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