I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
