She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
