Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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