I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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