I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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