That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
