is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
