My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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