it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
