I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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