Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
