i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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