im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize