I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
