Kiss
Puke
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
