You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
