Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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