operation harelip BJ is a go
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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