I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
