he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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