Someone shit on the floor
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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