I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
