You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
