Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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