I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
