girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize