I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
