dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
