Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
