Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
