I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
