so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
