Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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