here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I enjoy the company of your penis
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