guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
