a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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