Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
my poor anus
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
