just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
