She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
