i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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